i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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