i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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