I need to stop coming to work sober
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
