My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
