Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
