Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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