Need sex. Gaining weight.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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