when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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