dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
