You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
