Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
