ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
