my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
