I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
