So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
