I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
