On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
