1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
i think my cat just said my name.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
