life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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