one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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