I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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