just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
