Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
