Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
