it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Holy sore nipples Batman
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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