You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
