so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
