I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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