Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
