dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
And then my night got REAL pukey
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize