Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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