when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize