Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
