anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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