thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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