I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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