Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
