she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
