Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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