dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
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