Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I still have a little drunk in my system
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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