I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
