You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
