I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
