Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
