I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
