Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
