I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
My Sexting was not on an AP level
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
