all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
