Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Sorry my hands just texted you
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
