I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We named our party play list daddy issues
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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