The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Sext me about skeletons
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
