My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
organizing the empties. That sober.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
