I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
