Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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