There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
