And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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